I’m Coming Out to My Parents in This Post. Thanks, Ellen Paige.
Tired of being hurt
I think I should add to my title “and depressed” because I know that I am depressed, I’ve been here before, not exactly here, but in a similarly depressed place. I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I had to ask my roommate to take me so he could drop me off at my nine AM class. I don’t like asking other people for things, but sometimes you’ve got to.
For one thing I am MUCH more stable in recovery, and in who I am as a person. I also know I’m nowhere near close to ‘there’. Which is probably a lifelong process in itself. I guess I just mean I’m not recovered yet. It’s like this potter who builds tea pots said in demonstration I attended, something along the lines of “when the piece looks 85% done, and you’ve worked for about two hours, you’ve got another two to go. The last 15% takes half the time.” Maybe that’s how recovery is? I feel like I’m still waiting, like my life is still on hold. But think it’s slowly revving up with school at least.
I’m also making progress in getting my leg healed up. I’ve been working with the ortho doc to determine what’s going on with it. He says it’s a stress fracture, although he’s not 100% sure (it could be a bone tumor- probably benign if it is). So now I’m on crutches for 8 weeks. THAT IS SO LONG. I guess in comparison to the 5 months I’ve been injured, it’s really not that bad. I am so tired of being hurt though, and unable to play frisbee or run. I hope that I will be able to weather these next 8 weeks.
This image seems like a lofty goal, although fitting.
I think I made a big decision out of shame and fear
A couple years ago I took my second semester off to go to treatment for the second time because my eating disorder was consuming my life. Then in the spring of 2013 I was going to return to school. I was going to a private school at the time and my parents informed me that they didn’t have enough money to keep me going there. We investigated financial aid options and at the end realized that I would be in dept a considerable amount after graduation if I did indeed continue to attend the private university. So I had a decision to make, and this past week I’ve admitted to myself that I made it for the wrong reasons.
Sure there was the financial reason, and it became a clever veil for the truth. While I still don’t know which choice was ‘right’, and maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better for not continuing at my old school. I go to a state school now. I definitely think it’s a good school, but should I really have left?
A lot of people graduate with dept, and I want to go to either medical school or orthotics and prosthetics school (I think), so it’s not like I wouldn’t eventually be able to pay it back. The truth is I was ashamed of myself, the weight I had gained, and my perceived lack of progress in recovery. I was scared to go back to that school and the friends I had made there. I have (and still have) this notion that if they knew the real me, they’d run away. I kept replaying all the dumb things I’d ever said around them, and all the awkward moments, and all the times I was struggling with recovery and they knew it.
At the same time I wanted a fresh start though, and it was a lot of money that I would be in debt. So while there were pros and cons to both staying and transferring, and I don’t think there really was a right choice, I do think that the reasons I chose weren’t the right ones. Fear and shame were the overriding factors. And I miss my friends from my old school so much. My old school is where I first played frisbee, met people who were became my really good friends and happened to be gay. It’s where I came out for the first time, and where people knew I was gay and it didn’t matter. I guess I hold a lot of nostalgia from that time, and of course when things aren’t going as planned (like now) we all tend to look back and say “maybe I should have chose differently”.
Thoughts cross my mind like, “maybe I would have more friends, maybe I would have a girlfriend, maybe I wouldn’t be injured” Ok, that last one is really unlikely, but I still think about it. It’s safe to say I have regrets. I constantly think ‘what if’.
In the end though, I know I cannot change what’s happened, I can only move forward, and that’s what I intend to do. I can choose recovery. Because honestly, most of my regrets are eating disorder related. I can choose not to isolate myself, to reach out, to keep going.
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time given us.” -Gandalf (The Fellowship of the Ring)
A brief reprieve
The past two or so days (or maybe it’s just been today) have been a bit easier to get though. I haven’t had that sense of sadness and dread at the end of the day, and I’m so thankful for that. I’m not sure those days are behind me, I’m still not on medication (because psychiatrists are always unavailable) but I have gone out of my [own] way to do a few things that proved to be helpful.
I followed through with going to the orthotics and prosthetics place yesterday to shadow. I also got a haircut cause I wanted one gosh-darn-it. I called my parents about my appointment with the orthopedic doc, and my mom will be here tomorrow to go with me. And I’ve gone to all my classes.
One thing I’m actually excited about though is that one of my best friends from high school is coming to visit me this weekend!
So I’m learning, that no matter how bad things are (or seem), there will be better days. And as long as you hold onto that, you’ll live to see them.
You are not alone, you are not worthless, and you are stronger than you think. Did you get up this morning? Did you open your eyes and take a deep breath and try to get through one more day? Then you, my love, are tough as nails. You are a fighter. Do not ever forget it.
-Pixie Casey
For the sake of clarity
I’m not sure if I’m going to continue the “do one thing every day that scares me”. I certainly want to continue to challenge myself, and I want to write about recovery. So I’m not quite decided as to what I’m going to write about and how often.
In other news, I have called my parents and my mom is going to come with me to see the orthopedic doctor on Wednesday. I also contacted my psychiatrist’s office and have an appointment scheduled for a few weeks from now. I really wish I could see her sooner (the psychiatrist), but it’s nearly impossible to get an appointment within a week. I’ve had times when the nearest available meeting was a month away! It’s a good thing I wasn’t in crisis mode.
Today I’m feeling a bit more optimistic, and I think that it’s a result of multiple factors. And by factors I mostly mean decisions I’ve made with the intent of giving myself a leg up. So here’s to taking care of yourself.
You’ve only got one mind and one body, and I’m trying to use ’em to the best of my abilities.
So many reasons I like this song:
I think I’ve played it at least 10 times since I got back home today
Tomorrow: Taking a break! also… depression isn’t fun
I’ve got depression. It’s stuck with me since about 12th grade. And right now it’s pretty bad. No, I have no intentions of ending my life. I have too much to live for to actually do that. Yes, many times I think “it would be easier if…” Which brings me to another topic. Suicide isn’t selfish. People who try to or do end their lives more often than not write to their friends and family. They know that people care about them, and they know that people will be hurt by their actions. Really though, whether or not you believe these people are weak or selfish doesn’t matter.
Telling somebody who is suicidal that they’re being selfish isn’t going to help. Or at least, it wouldn’t help me. It’s like saying “Oh, yeah great, now that you’re really feeling like there’s no way out of your situation and you probably already think you’re a horrible human being, now lets throw on the selfish label- yeah, that’ll make ya feel awesome.
I just recently realized that I’ve fallen back into that depression hole. The funny thing about it though was that I just kept thinking “try harder, try HARDER, you’re not trying hard enough.” So I’m going to ask for more support from my parents. I’m going to call up my mom tomorrow and ask if she can drive up next week to come with me to my doctor appointment. My therapist mentioned that I’ve been doing this thing with my leg on my own for 5 months and it’s frustrating. While I am perfectly capable of going to the appointment and talking with the doctor, I could use the emotional support.
I’m not sure where this blog is going right now, so I will end with this. I know things haven’t always felt this way, and I have hope that things will change for the better. One reason I can think that is because I am doing things to make change happen. I’ve decided to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist (I sorta stopped taking medication without their advice, not my finest decision), I’m taking a one day break from the “do a scary/challenging thing”, and I’m going to call my mom. And hey, those two things are challenging, (I mean, kinda.) At least they’re steps in the right direction OK?!
This guy is spot on
Today and 4. Study at school
Today was a hard day. I did not accomplish what I set out to do: honor hunger and fullness. Now, I didn’t binge, but I probably did some overeating. It would be one thing to eat a bit extra at meals, but what I have a tendency to do is stand in front of the pantry and sort of pick at things- and this can last hours. Anyways, I did avoid letting it turn into a binge, and I’m glad for that. It’s just been draining these past couple months if I’m being honest. I’m in a place where I don’t have many friends. Sure, I have those that I talk to that live other places and I have a couple here, but they aren’t very available. I know isolating myself has a lot to do with me not meeting anybody.
I am still feeling very stuck in this whole recovery gig. I think I’ve been kinda stuck behavior-wise for about a year. Ok, to give myself some credit, binges have decreased since I came back to school after break. And then there’s the stress fracture thing, it’s really frustrating to not be able to do practically anything. I can bike and swim. I bike to school normally but it’s been really cold and I pulled a muscle (somehow), and so I’ve been taking it easy. Then there’s swimming. I don’t like it to begin with, even without the body issues that come to the forefront when I’m wearing a swimsuit. I don’t like the chlorine, or not being able to breathe in water (ha duh), and- I just find swimming really boring.
On an awkward/funny note I saw the psychiatrist in the grocery store today briefly. I think the last appointment I accidentally missed because I wasn’t in town, and then didn’t go back. I guess why I didn’t go back after is another story for later.
I don’t want this blog to become a pity party for myself. That’s totally not the point of writing. At the same time I have to be real. I haven’t given up, but I am a bit disappointed in myself. That being said I am still going to do something for tomorrow: Study on campus after my 7:00 AM class (yes, I am crazy for taking a class this early, but it’s strength training so I don’t really have to be ‘awake’). I would normally go home for a few hours possibly to use behaviors (or at least fight urges to use behaviors) or maybe to go to sleep. Both are things I do to avoid life for all the reasons people who have eating disorders, or drug addictions, or are depressed do.
I realize that a lot of these things aren’t going to seem ‘scary’, and maybe that’s not quite the right word. They are certainly challenging, at least for me, at least for right now. I’m doing them with the hopes of taking charge of my own life, becoming the one who decides what I want to do with the time I have, and not letting the eating disorder keep even a pinky hold on me and my life.
Be Your Own Hero 